


A Love That Wasn't Meant To Be

by eatsdeath



Series: Whump Prompts 2021 [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Drabble, Epistolary, Love Letters, M/M, Unhappy Ending, Wordcount: 500-1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28983465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatsdeath/pseuds/eatsdeath
Summary: I love you. And you're gone.I love you.I love you.I love you. I miss you.A series of letters written by R.J. Lupin to one Sirius Black.Febuwhump day 3 - imprisonment
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Whump Prompts 2021 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2126025
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Wolfstar Love Letter Challenge 2021





	A Love That Wasn't Meant To Be

James and Lily. Dead.

Little Harry. Safe, somewhere that's not with Remus.

Peter. Dead.

Sirius. 

_Fuck_.

Sirius. Traitor. Murderer. Guilty. Azkaban.

He'd thought he was alone before — doubted, wary. The pressures of war and the threat of Voldemort had separated him from his pack. But they'd still been _there_. Alive.

Now he has no one.

* * *

_**November 3, 1981** _

_Sirius,_

_How could you? They trusted you. They loved you. And this is how you repay them? Repay us?_

_**Fuck**. I hate you._

_I hope you're happy._

_James and Lily are dead. The Dark Lord is dead. Peter is dead._

_Was it worth it?_

_Are you happy now?_

_It's your birthday today and all I can think is that I hate you._

_**November 4, 1981** _

Sirius,

A finger. That's all they found of Peter. One finger. 

Twelve muggles and one friend. Did it bother you? Does it haunt you, knowing that?

I feel haunted. Hollow. Everything I loved is gone. 

Do you feel the same? Did you love any of us? Ever?

I did. I never told you. I should have.

I still do and I hate it.

~~I'm glad I didn't tell you.~~

_**November 5, 1981** _

_Sirius,_

_Lily and James were buried today. Lily's sister took care of the arraignments but she wasn't at the service._

_Godric's Hollow is in ruins and the Ministry is making it a monument. Can you believe that?_

_Where they lived and died, a monument celebrating You-Know-Who's downfall._

_It's horrific._

_**November 6, 1981** _

Sirius,

I don't know why I'm writing these letters. I'll never send them. Is it closure? Denial?

I have no one else to speak to so I write letters to you. To make myself feel better? I don't know. 

It doesn't.

The full moon is in a few days and I can feel it more than I have in a long time.

Moony wants to tear things apart. People. Animals. Me. I don't think he cares.

I'm terrified that something bad is going to happen. That he'll get out.

I don't know what I'll do.

_**November 15, 1981** _

_Sirius,_

_The full moon came and went. I just feel tired. Exhausted through to my bones._

_Absurd, isn't it? I'm twenty-one and I feel like I'm going on one hundred and twenty-one._

_He didn't get out. I've got a few more scars but they don't hurt as much as the emotional ones._

_I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again. I can't imagine I will._

_I miss —_

* * *

_**October 31, 1982** _

Sirius,

It's been a year now since they died. Since you all died, really.

Because you should be dead to me.

But I keep finding myself thinking of you. Of the way you were in school.

~~Of the way we were in school.~~

We could have been so much more. Did you feel it?

~~Do you think of me?~~

I can't imagine you do. I can't imagine what you think of in that place.

I want to be angry and righteous and feel like you deserve it.

But I know. I know no one deserves Azkaban.

Maybe your cousin does. Is she near you? Do you know what she did?

* * *

_**August 31, 1991** _

_Sirius,_

_Harry starts Hogwarts tomorrow. They've been dead for ten years and Harry starts Hogwarts together._

_Do you think he'll be in Gryffindor like them? Like us?_

_Do you think he was happy growing up? I was never allowed to see him, to know where he was. For safety._

_I don't begrudge that. I understand. But it doesn't make up for how lonely I've been._

_I've been so lonely, Padfoot._

* * *

_**July 27, 1993** _

What have you done?

~~What am I going to do?~~

Escape from Azkaban what the fuck

The Headmaster asked me to teach DADA this year. I'll get to see Harry.

I won't let you hurt him too.

~~Not if I can help it.~~

_**October 31, 1993** _

Why are you doing this? They're dead. What good is hurting Harry now?

It's been twelve years. What is the point of this?

Breaking into the school, destroying the Fat Lady's portrait. Why, Sirius?

I don't understand.

I don't understand what happened to you.

* * *

_**January 6, 1994** _

I started teaching Harry the Patronus charm today.

Because of you. Because you brought the Dementors down on us.

Do you know what he hears, Sirius? Do you? Can you guess?

He hears his mother dying. Begging for his life.

~~I hate you.~~

_**February 5, 1994** _

_Ron Weasley, Sirius?_

_Harry was in the next bed over and you went for Ron Weasley?_

_Why?_

_I know how good your sense of smell is as Padfoot._

_Why go for the wrong boy?_

_**June 9, 1994** _

The full moon is tonight and I'm waiting for my Wolfsbane potion.

I confiscated the Map from Harry, did I tell you that?

I keep thinking about the four of us in school. Harry's quite that close with his best friends and it makes my heart fond and sad to see them together.

The three of you made these nights so much easier. 

You, James and Pet—

**_June 10, 1994_ **

_What the fuck_

_Sirius Sirius what the fuck_

_You Peter_

_What_

_NO_

_I resigned today._

_Peter's alive and you're innocent._

_Merlin, what._

_I need to see you. I need to talk to you._

* * *

_**July 7, 1996** _

It's been a week. A week since you died, Sirius.

I don't know what to do. 

Harry, god Harry, I had to hold him back from going through the Veil after you.

You're dead, Padfoot. And I am, once again, alone.

I know I have to be strong for Harry but I don't know how I'll manage that.

I feel like I haven't breathed since the Ministry. I can't find my breath.

I've loved you since we were fifteen. Even when you were in Azkaban. Even when I thought you were a Death Eater and a traitor.

I love you. And you're gone. 

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I miss you.


End file.
